21

21. College graduate. What next?

The answer seems easy, get a job, but at 21 do you really know what you want to do? I've had the privilege to live a semi easy life.

My parents are still happily married, both whom have good/steady paying jobs. They have given me all of the tangible things I have ever needed to be a successful women. They have given me a beautiful house where I can lay my head in peace. They did their research when sending me to high school. They funded my drivers-ed classes, as well as surprising me with a car (with a HUGE pink bow - which I had expressed how much I had always dreamed of) They supported me during all of my sports matches, home or away. They came to my choir concerts, band concerts, award ceremonies, academic banquets, and anything they could to show their support and love. When it came down to selecting colleges, my father bought every "Best College" book he could, did tons of research on the Internet to make sure that the college I chose was the absolute best, and right fit for me, he was right.

Baldwin-Wallace was good to me, real good.

August 14th, 2007. Move in day. I had waited for this day for what felt like forever. I'll never forget it. My then boyfriend had stayed the night before, we talked about everything from A-Z. We had had talked about the "future" and what would accompany that. We both wanted (still want) a new york CITY life. We had always been in love with skylines, and fashion, and anything to do with a fast paced life. He wanted to be a banker, I wanted to be an event planner, we wanted it all. We we're getting married, picking out kid's names, choosing cars, we were planning our future. We had been dating for 3.5 years at the time. We had just spent a "magical" summer together, and even though my excitement for college showed, I knew he could see the sadness in my eyes, the same sadness I saw in his. The next morning was brutal. As we awoke, and started to pack the car, we knew we were slowly packing up our relationship. It's something you kind of figure out, something you feel.

He was going to John Carroll, I was going to Baldwin-Wallace, 30 minutes away, no problem, right? Wrong. It's such a weird feeling when you get to college. You think you have yourself all figured out, you know everything, you like what you like, you hate what you hate, and if you do you, you'll be alright. Wrong. You know NOTHING about yourself, nothing at all. I played volleyball for my school, and with that came the athlete life style. I started meeting people before school even started. I'm pretty sure I gravitated to the basketball boys, because of my friend Amanda, and Brandon (both play(ed) for BWC) There were many late night visits, and gossip sessions that hap pend right away. When I was with my high school boyfriend, talking/hanging out with other boys was never an option, trust was something we simply didn't have. The word trust, I think made us shiver, how could you ever have that!?! I remember like it was yesterday, I had to lie about who I was with, whose room I was in, where I went on a Saturday night, not only was I lieing to him, but I was lieing to myself. I wasn't happy, I was letting go. I'd go a whole day without texting/calling, which was so not like me, I even remember getting Facebook messages telling me that he felt like he didn't know who I was anymore, and asking me to at least text him once during the day. Who was I becoming? I was living a double life.

November came around, and he broke up with me. It was simple, lasted about 5 minutes, and after the conversation, I simply fell to the ground and sobbed, with my roomate of 3 months, Casey. She was staring at me with big eyes. She fell to the ground with me, she didn't say anything, but let me cry for a good half hour. She assured me that this was for the best (probably because she was sick of having to listen to our hour long battles on the phone.) She also let me play the song "Bed" (I have NO idea) over and over again, because at that time it made me feel better.

Christmas came and went, we did not speak/text/see one another over break, it was weird/miserable. I was sad the whole break, barely smiled, I was cold. January came, so did a new semester. I was determined to make this one different, but a phone call came, a converstaion happened, and we were dating again, FB official. I was happy again, I was Abbey and a boyfriend.

January 23rd came. That was a sad day. We had lost one of our good friends. My college friends had no idea what I was going through, and never had I felt so alone. They understood why I was crying, but they didn't know the meaning behind my tears. Words escaped me as I tried to tell them what had happened, and how I was feeling. I needed to be with someone who knew me, who knew my past, who knew exactly how I was feeling. Our distance was conquered with me lieing to my parents, and a scary car ride in a blizzard to get to him, to get to my best friend. That night was weird. We spent an hour in silence, but it was the loudest hour of my life.

That brought us closer, much closer. We were the same Abbey plus one, just like how we were in high school. We saw each other every weekend after that, whether it was me going to visit him, or going home to hang out, that was college to me. I looked at my friends as crazy/outrageous people who had no morals. Going out and drinking every weekend, hooking up with boys, staying up late eating pizza with the boys who lived below us, how dare they?

Summer came. GLORIOUS. We were finally back in our element. Just me and him, all the time. dinner, movies, night in, walks on the beach, ice cream dates, double dates, nature hiking, picnics, pizza by candlelight on my front porch, presents "just because." Life was good, we were good, we were at home.

July 28th came, I remember this because it was my dad's birthday. He was coming over to help celebrate. We had talked ALL day while we were at work, he called me on his lunch break to tell me he was going to stop by after work (which he always did), as we were hanging up we exchanged our "I love yous" and that was that. 2 o'clock rolled around, I waited outside on the porch soaking up the sun, I remember I had a surprise for him, waiting, waiting. My phone rang, it was him. I figured he was calling to tell me he was held late, boy was I wrong.

That conversation felt like it went on for days. He went on to explain that he wasn't coming over, and that he didn't see forever with me, and I wasn't marriage material. What? I was 18 at the time, and so naive. As I listened to the words, my heart and my head disconnected. I said mean/harsh things that were totally out my character, but inside I was dying. We hung up. I walked down the stairs and fell to the floor, with my mother catching me. We sat there for 2 hours, I sobbed, she let me. She didn't ask questions, she didn't make excuses for him, she knew that this was part of me growing up. That night was rough. My parent's friend's came over, and talked me off the ledge, I went on a shopping spree with my best friend, and did some more crying.

August 17th 2009. My birthday. Move in day. Those 20 days included alot of crying, yelling, arguments, resentment, but when that day came, happiness slowly creeped up. How much had changed in a year. I slept like a baby that night, I dreamt about MY future, not of an "our" future. I promised myself that this year was about me. As we were pulling out of the drive way, I felt different, I was leaving home, I was leaving Lorain, I was leaving the place where we were us.

I was excited to be back with Casey, and I knew that my other best friend Amanda would be living across the hall. I was living in E-House, it was air conditioned, life was going to be good, this year was going to be amazing! As we filled the room with our things, my pictures didn't include any of him, they were of my family, and the two pictures I actually had from freshman year. Those two pictures were the only ones I had actually taken the time to pose for. I was sad that I only had two, I remember that, and as hard as I tried to remember the times I laughed my freshman year, I couldn't, I regretted that, I still do.

September came. We had not spoken at all. Then one day as I opened my email ... one sat there with his email address and the subject "sorry." I stared it for about 20 minutes. My fingers couldn't find my mouse, I was scared in what it was going to say, for the last month I had been trying to delete memories out of my mind, and with a click of a send button, it had me questioning... everything. I finally found the courage to open it, and when I did I couldn't help but be mad/sad/happy. I called him, he answered. The first minutes we're silence, and like clockwork we started to talk about our normal things, and he finally asked me what I had wanted to hear for a whole month... "You wanna work on things?" And so many times before, I had always said "yes" But this time was diff rent, this time, when he asked, I didn't say yes. I wanted to say yes, but my mouth wouldn't let me, my heart and head said YES YES YES but I couldn't find that word. I remember hanging up and sitting on a bench for an hour. I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad, I felt liberated, I had did it.

Thanksgiving had came, which meant I had to go home for break. I was sitting on my bed when my best friend called to tell me that he was at the movies with another girl, which eventually led to some good old facebook creeping, which led me to another heartbreak. As I told my mom, she went on to explain that my aunt had called a week after our breakup, and he was at her restaurant with another girl, and they were being extremely "friendly," and that the girl he was at the movies with was the same girl. OF COURSE THERE WAS ANOTHER GIRL ABBEY.

A couple years have gone by since then. We have managed to become friends. I think of him time to time, but I've finally have come to peace with everything. I'm pretty sure he's dating a new girl, and that he is super happy, which makes me so happy. As much as we grew up together, we grew apart, we grew up.

I have never gotten to thank him for allowing me to fall in love with myself. So thank you, you did more for me then you will ever know.

Why did I just tell you all this? Because that is the reason I am who I am today. This has shaped my outlook on life today. That is why I pride myself on being indpendant, and why I don't put up with people's bullshit. I will never pretend to be something I'm not. I don't talk about my feelings, because they are mine.

Sophomore Year. I can assure you that I took the whole year off of boys. Not once did I find myself attracted to or wanting to pursue a relationship with any of them. I simply looked at them, as friends. It is here where I was able to truly stay out late, or find myself entangled in an hour long conversation with a stranger sitting in the lobby. I was able to sit in a room and watch a TV show with someone I had just met 5 days before.

Zach, Brian, and Jeff were my first guy friends at college. With them it wasn't about impressing them, because most of the days I would see them with my hair a mess, and wearing pajamas. They truly valued my friendship.

Along with this came Becca and Lauren. I can honestly say that I was in their room more than mine. We became a family, we did everything together. This was the meaning of friendship. I could do me. I didn't' have to call anyone to check in, I didn't have to lie to anyone, I didn't have to watch what people posted of Facebook, I didn't have to text someone. There would be days where I wouldn't receive a single text, and I was okay with that. I didn't have to fake being happy, because I was. That year I learned the value of friendship.

Summer came. So did fun things. I was working at Panera Bread at the time, in Berea. I was working everyday so the half hour commute was taking a toll on me. Zach had just moved into his house, and offered me a place to crash. At the time one of his other housematesgirlfriend was living there, Candace with her best friend Nanda. It's amazing how many people you meet, and you don't even know how much they will impact you. With them, I was able to learn their life stories, I was able to connect with them in a way I had never allowed myself to. Many nights were spent on the porch, drinking a beer, bullshitting about how they had became who they were. It's amazing how much shit people go through, to just make it, to survive. Struggles should not be taken for granted, because with every one you learn something new about yourself. Life shouldn't be hard, but it is, because you weren't taught how to do it, its something you learn.

Junior Year. This year I went crazy. I was not the same girl I was freshman year. I had done things right. I had taken a year off, I had taken time to get to know me. I had learned what I liked, and what I didn't. I came to terms with things, and embarked on my journey. I allowed myself to run wild, and color the things that had been black and white to me for so long. I could handle being by myself, and listening to my thoughts. I liked doing nothing, and everything at the same time. It is here where I was able to expand my horizons. It is here where I met people I would have never dreamt of being friends with. I discovered the other side "football land." And I can't tell you how happy I am that I crossed the street and have met some of the greatest people on this campus. These people didn't know of my past, they just knew who they met. No previous judgments, just a fun loving girl named Abbey.

What a breath of fresh air, what a difference a year makes.

Summer. I can't even begin to tell you the madness that went on. I spent majority of my time at work, but when I came home I was able to spend my time with Becca, Pete, Paul, and Jeff. I can't even begin to tell you how fabulous the combo of all of them were. Most of the nights we were drinking or going out to eat, but then there were the nights where we sit around and bullshit. We are the most different group of people, but together we worked. We formed a bond, that I will never forget, that summer will live on, always.

Also, Jackie played a HUGE role. For so long I was stuck in my norm circle of friends, but with Jackie, everything just clicked. I'm still convinced we share a brain. She's fabulous, and will forever be my friend.

Senior Year. Although it is cut in half for me, it was JAM packed with all sorts of fun things. I lived pretty outrageously. A lot of sporadic decisions, including a trip to New York City, with 3 amazing girls. We started the trip as acquaintances, but cam home friends. I consider them as 3 amazing women, who I have been blessed to meet, and have been able to have them be apart of my life.

I went downtown Cleveland to stay with two of my roomates, and stayed at a girl's apartment that I had never met. I cannot tell you how happy I am that she is apart of my life. That girl is so different, but so FABULOUS! Again, so blessed to have met her, party with her, gossip with her, learn her stories, it's amazing, how different we all are, but how we all somehow work.

I decided that OSU sounded fun, so I went. I went to hang with my brother, but ended up hanging out with a guy from college. An epic weekend for sure.

I have done everything I have wanted to do. I live for me. I smile, I laugh, I cry, I pray, I am me. I used to downplay people and their relationships saying that love doesn't exist, or they can't work, because nobody is ever faithful, but as I look around at my friend's and their relationships, I smile. People can make them work, its all about how much you're willing to put in. High School is different than College, and College is different from the real world.

Be proud of who you are, be a good person, and great/amazing things will happen.